A Tale of Two Idiots
by Scarlett Wallflower
Summary: Arch-enemies Ivan and Feliks have been fighting for years. Add in a cute and kindly new friend named Toris and things are about to get ugly. Will Ivan finally be blessed with requited love? Will Feliks snatch victory from his hands? And when will Toris stop getting himself into such romantic messes? A high school! AU story
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: This story is based on a personal headcanon of mine that Russia and Poland hate each other primarily because they are in a feud over Lithuania.

Also, Hetalia and all its associated materials belong to Hima-Sensei, not me.

A Tale of Two Idiots

When Ivan reached the hallway his locker was located in, he saw something put a damper on his good mood. That idiotic Polish boy, Feliks Something-Or-Other, was standing by Toris' locker, looking oh-so casual. He clenched his teeth and felt his fingers twitching with the urge to punch something.

Surely having his blood pressure raised so early in the morning could not be healthy. Now it seemed he would just have to remedy the situation.

Ivan's eyes narrowed and he marched down the hallway towards him. He wasted no time getting right up in Feliks' face, partly out of Russian cultural habit but mostly because he knew how intimidating other people found this.

"Well hello, Feliks," he boomed, plastering an unsettlingly large smile on his face. "What are you doing over here? Isn't your locker on the other side of the school?"

Feliks just smirked and leaned back against the lockers, inspecting his nails. "Eh, I'm here to see Toris. He was out yesterday, ya know." The glint that appeared in his green eyes said that he knew Ivan knew and was gearing up to drive Ivan nuts.

"Anyway, he wanted to borrow my notes and said we should meet at his locker. So, here I am," Feliks finished with a lazy gesture of his hand. "The real question is…" the slow, complacent tone proved to be a façade when Feliks stabbed at Ivan's chest with a manicured index finger, "What are you doing here?"

Pretending that he didn't hear Feliks' question, Ivan forced his smile even bigger and more sinister-looking and said, "My, isn't that sweet of you. Well, I suppose I should go to class now and leave the two of you to your business." He stepped back slightly from Feliks and watched as his eyes squinted in confusion.

"Wait, you're just going to leave us alone? Since when do you do that?"

Ivan turned on his heel and replied melodically over his shoulder as he walked away, "Oh, since I went over to his house after school and stayed with him the rest of the evening."

He didn't even have to turn around. He could just imagine the oddly fish-like stunned expression on Feliks' face. Satisfied, he could now begin the school day in a truly good mood.

* * *

Ivan Braginsky and Feliks Lukasiewicz hated each other. Their rivalry could be traced back to elementary school when Feliks pushed Ivan off the jungle gym and Ivan retaliated by dumping his juice box on Feliks' head.

Things had really escalated though, when they reached high school and each befriended the affable new Lithuanian student. Friendship was quickly succeeded by romantic feelings and, when it became obvious that both boys had a crush on their new friend, outright war was declared.

The ongoing feud between the two of them was legendary. Everyone in their relatively small school knew about it. Everyone that is, except Toris Laurinaitis.

Now, Toris was no dummy. He knew that there was some bad blood between Ivan and Feliks but he didn't want to ask and cause a fuss or be forced to take sides. He decided that it was none of his business anyway and just enjoyed the time he spent with the two of them, separately, of course.

So, when he noticed a grumpy expression on Feliks' face as he approached him that morning, he assumed it was the result of some encounter with Ivan that had left him as the loser.

"Good morning, Feliks," Toris said with a kind smile. Instantly, Feliks' gaze met his and his entire demeanor perked up.

"Toris, how's it goin' this morning, broski?" Toris laughed at his friend's silly way of speaking and couldn't help but be aware of the arm slung around his shoulders that pulled him into the cloud of sugary-sweet smelly-stuff that was Feliks.

"Oh, I'm feeling so much better today. I'm not sure what came over me. It must have been one of those twenty-four hour viruses. Good thing I-"

Toris stopped dead in his tracks. He was about to step onto some very thin ice here.

One of the problems that came with having two friends who hated each other's guts was that you had to be careful not to mention one in the presence of the other, lest that begin some sort of kerfuffle that would only exacerbate the already existing one.

He'd been about to say, "Good thing Ivan came over to check on me and stayed to keep me company," but that would have sent Feliks on an hours-long tirade about what a total "jerkwad" Ivan Braginsky was. Having seen Feliks express strong opinions about other, more trivial topics, Toris didn't want to chance it.

He hastily amended his sentence. "Ahem, good thing I was able to get some rest. Now I'm ready to go!"

Feliks grinned and gave him a thumbs up. He opened his mouth to start a new conversation but Toris beat him to it.

"Oh, Feliks, did you bring the notes?"

"Huh? Oh yeah, right, right." He dug around his patent leather messenger bag and fished out a pile of papers. He handed them over and said, "Ugh, jeez, you owe me, like, big time for this. You know I like to take my daily nap in fourth period. I had to stay awake _and_ pay attention in all our classes to get you your notes!"

Toris rolled his eyes in good-natured exasperation. Feliks was never going to be accused of being a devoted student. The only things he was devoted to were ponies and winning his weekend poker games to feed his shopping addiction.

"I know, and I appreciate it." He beamed one of his notoriously sweet smiles and Feliks felt his knees go weak. "You're a wonderful friend, Feliks."

In the haze of his gushy feelings, Feliks barely noticed Toris exchanging his books and shutting his locker door.

"Well, I'll see you later. I better get going."

Feliks snapped to attention. "Hey, Toris, wait!" He latched onto Toris' sleeve, not caring how desperate he looked.

"I'm sorry Feliks, but I can't be late to Mr. Joyner's class." He laid a gentle hand on Feliks' to make him let go. "I might get a detention. I really have to go. We can talk later, okay?"

Feliks blushed at the contact and grinned even as Toris turned and started down the hallway.

So what if Ivan had gone to Toris' house? Feliks was confident he was going to be the one to get with Toris and prove that he was the best and Ivan was just a weirdo Russian ball sack. What an awesome start to the day.

* * *

Well, well, it seems as though both lovers are quite equally matched. Who will our hapless middle-man Toris choose? I guess you'll just have to keep reading to find out...


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Notes: Just a heads-up, there's some language and a slur in this chapter. Hetalia is still owned by Hima-Sensei

A Tale of Two Idiots: Chapter Two

As usual, Ivan was trading thinly veiled threats and insults with Alfred, the obnoxious freshman who sat at the table in front of him and waiting for Toris to arrive.

Frankly, Ivan was unsure who irritated him more, this too-smart-for-his-own-good, arrogant, grade-skipping twerp or that little weasel Feliks.

The strange and rage-inducing thing about Feliks was that it didn't matter how many things Ivan was better at than him, Feliks somehow managed to always come out smelling like a rose.

Ivan had gotten straight A's since kindergarten or whenever they started actually giving you grades. Ivan designed a perfect bottle rocket in eighth grade science class while Feliks' was decorated with rainbows and pink unicorns and didn't even get up in the air. Ivan won the spelling bee in sixth grade. All the teachers liked Ivan and said he was so smart and he'd grow up to be a nuclear physicist someday and wouldn't Putin just be burned when he found out that a Russian kid was helping the U.S. achieve superiority?

But even though Feliks had the IQ of a bowl of mashed potatoes, he had what Ivan really wanted. He had friends. Ivan was reminded of the fact that he was pathetically alone every time he overheard other kids talking about their weekend plans with their friends or when teachers assigned group work and no one motioned for him to come join them.

* * *

That all changed the day Toris transferred into Ivan's first period Honors Chemistry class.

When the teacher told everybody to get into groups, Ivan felt the familiar dread. Nobody would ever ask him to partner up and he would just end up doing the experiments all by himself.

He began setting up the equipment and was so wrapped up in self-pity that when he felt a tap on his shoulder, he jumped so badly he banged his knee on the underside of the table.

"Oh my goodness, I'm so sorry! Did you hurt your knee?" Ivan whipped around and saw the most beautiful boy standing there with concern in his eyes.

Swallowing the pained curses that were coming up, he said hurriedly, "Ah, nyet- I mean, no, no! I'm fine. Um, what did you need?"

The mystery boy gave him a shy, hopeful smile. "Well, I saw that you didn't have a partner and I'm new so I don't have any friends here- Ah, jeez, what am I saying, of course I don't have any-" he paused and coughed, then cleared his throat. "Sorry for rambling." The shy smile became apologetic. "My name is Toris, may I work with you today?"

Soon, Toris and Ivan became permanent partners and friends. They shared two other classes and while Ivan didn't always like the people Toris was friends with, like the detestable Feliks and Alfred, he really liked Toris.

Just like the day they met, Toris jostled Ivan from his musings with a gentle tap, this time on his forearm, a much more intimate place, Ivan noted with glee.

Ivan smiled his real smile at Toris, not the icy, creepy one he'd just fired at Alfred and greeted him.

Toris responded and took his seat next to Ivan. They shot the breeze until the teacher came grumbling in and told them to shut up and do book work. Toris gave Ivan a dismayed smile and they set to work.

Somewhere in the middle of the class period, Ivan noticed some movement near Toris out of the corner of his eye, but ignored it and continued working until Toris whispered his name.

"Ivan, look at this." He carefully unfolded a paper airplane and allowed him to read the missive.

 _Toris, Moneybags caught his dad banging his secretary in the pool last night so he's throwing a party on the old man's tab. You in? –Ned_

After reading the note, Ivan felt thoroughly confused. "Who is Moneybags?"

"I think he means Eduard. His father is the head of a law firm."

"Oh."

"So, do you want to go? I've never been to a high school party. It could be fun!"

The doubt must have been all over Ivan's face because Toris poked him playfully. "Aw, come on, Ivan. Don't make me go by myself!"

Though he could already feel the awkward oozing into his very being, Toris seemed excited so Ivan conceded.

Toris's cheeks dimpled with pleasure and he turned toward the Dutch exchange student who'd sent the note.

Ned glanced back at them and Toris nodded enthusiastically. When Ned gave him a thumbs up, Toris pointed to Ivan as if asking to bring him along. Ned snorted and shrugged as if to say, I don't give a shit who you bring.

Toris and Ivan faced forward again and Toris patted Ivan's back. Ivan was so giddy from his friend's effervescent smile that he patted his back too, not caring how silly this must have looked and the fact that some cretin behind them muttered, "Fucking fags."

"Thank you for coming with me. I know you're shy, but I won't leave you alone there. Oh and, Ivan?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you for coming over last night. That was very thoughtful of you to check on me. I really appreciated your visit. You're a wonderful friend."

In response, Ivan giggled as he sometimes did when he got nervous but Toris just smiled and went back to work.

This was an opportunity Ivan had never dreamed would present itself. Alone, well together at a party anyway, with his beloved friend he could finally confess his feelings. Last night, he'd chickened out at the last minute and had to quickly change the subject to distract Toris.

Fate had been unusually kind in giving him a second chance and he vowed he would not screw this up. Toris was going to be his and Feliks, well, who really cared about the little snot anyhow?

* * *

Looks like things are going Ivan's way. I wonder how he'll celebrate this new victory? Find out in the next chapter!


	3. Chapter 3

A Tale of Two Idiots: Chapter 3

Author's Notes: This chapter contains swearing and some sexual references. Hetalia is the property of Hima-Sensei.

Though Feliks had often cursed the fact that he didn't share a lunch period with Toris, today he was actually rather pleased. He planned on hunting down Ivan, whom he did share lunch period with, and rubbing his earlier interaction with Toris in his ridiculously large nose.

It was better that Toris wasn't there to witness it. He was the kind of guy who wanted everybody to sit around the campfire and sing kumbaya. Feliks would be been happy to do so only if he was allowed to push Ivan into the fire pit first.

Feliks stood off to the side of the lunchroom and scanned the area for any approaching Russians. He spotted Ivan's older sister Maria and spent a moment admiring her ginormous knockers (Hey, he was gay not stupid).

 _Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, where is this guy_ , Feliks mentally grumbled. _He's like nine feet tall and big as a house, it's not like he can hide anywhere!_

Finally, he caught a glimpse of him. Ivan had been sitting at a table right in the middle of his line of vision.

 _Damn, boobs really are distracting. Dicks just don't have the same visual appeal_ , he mused.

Feliks smacked his hand to make himself focus and put his game face on. He allowed a lazy grin to crack his face and strolled calmly over to Ivan.

When Ivan lifted his head and their eyes met, Feliks felt disappointed. Ivan wasn't caught off guard or shocked by his presence. In fact, he was prepared with his own game face, a smile that was more like an animal baring its teeth and a look in his eyes that could only be described as murderous intent.

"Feliks, how nice of you to join me. Normally you aren't around. Are you tired of eating jizz for lunch?

"Maybe if you started eating jizz, you might lose some weight, husky Ruskie."

The corner of Ivan's mouth twitched. Feliks' grin widened to Cheshire Cat proportions. This was getting good.

"Ooh, did I hit a soft spot? Well, guess it's kind of hard not to, your entire body is built like a marshmellow."

Instead of getting the rise out of him Feliks wanted, Ivan cooly replied, "I'm not fat, I'm muscular, which is more than can be said for your bony ass."

"At least I don't have to worry about someone getting lost in my fat rolls when we fuck."

"Yes, and you'll have job security too. They'll always need glory hole attendants."

As much fun as verbally sparring with his Russian nemesis was, Feliks decided to get his bragging over with so he could have time to fix his hair before seeing Toris again.

"Anyway, I came over here to do you a favor," he drawled, examining his hair for split ends.

Ivan said nothing but the suspicious narrowing of his eyes and tightening of his mouth was all Feliks needed to continue.

"I'm here to give you some friendly advice. You should probably stop chasing after Toris."

"And why would I do that?" His voice was quiet, but his expression was one of barely contained rage. It was kind of scary how he did that, but Feliks would be damned if he let Ivan know that.

"Because he likes me." Feliks kept his voice non-chalant, which was a hard task when he was practically bursting with elation and the desire to humiliate his rival.

Ivan didn't even bat an eye. It was like he'd told him the sky was blue. Feliks was beginning to get frustrated. Teasing Ivan wasn't any fun if he didn't get his panties all in a twist about it.

"Hm, is that what you think?"

"That's what I know." Shit, he didn't mean to answer back so quickly! Now it looked like he was getting defensive. "Toris was flirting with me hard core today. He was touching my hand and giving me the goo-goo eyes."

The Russian boy remained unimpressed. "Toris' default expression is the goo-goo eyes. He looks like that little cartoon deer from the Disney movies."

"You mean Bambi?"

"Whatever. As much fun as you may be having with your delusions, I can assure you that Toris is interested in me."

Something in Ivan's tone changed and if Feliks had been a dog, his ears would have perked up. Time to up the ante.

"Yeah, and pigs fly. There's no way he'd want a loser like you. You're so fat, your car should have ones of those wide load signs on the back."

Ivan sighed in a clearly dramatic way. "Ah, it must be tragic, knowing that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell with the one you love. I almost feel sorry for you Feliks."

"And I feel sorry for Toris because I fear that one day you will sit on him and he will be crushed to death underneath your mounds of blubber."

Ivan's jaw visibly clenched and he blurted out, "Well Toris got invited to Eduard's party and he invited me to go with him! Put that in your pipe and smoke it, you little-"

If Ivan had been hoping for a look of crushed agony on Feliks' face (and he most certainly had), he was going to be disappointed. The Polish boy was thrilled and his smug snake expression made it abundantly clear. Their little meeting had gone better than Feliks could have hoped and now was the time to make his exit.

"Well, it was nice chatting with you but I gotta get going. Try not to choke, you fat tub of shit."

Before Ivan could formulate a reply, Feliks had left the table. Once his back was turned to his Russian adversary, Feliks allowed himself a real smile and a small fist pump. He took his time going through the cafeteria, occasionally stopping to chat with friends, laughing much harder and louder than usual.

Feliks had known Ivan was hiding something and it had only taken a minimal amount of poking to get him to spill the beans. He scoffed inwardly, thinking about Ivan's reputation as one of the smartest kids in school. If he was really some kind of Soviet genius, then how was Feliks able to play him like a fiddle?

He relaxed, deciding to rest on his laurels now that he was armed with this new information. Feliks listened to Gilbert Beilschmidt animatedly telling one of his convoluted stories and munched on a bag on peanut butter cups he swiped when Alfred Jones wasn't looking.

This was just too easy. People were only this stupid in high school movies. Feliks then smiled, thinking about how similar he was to Regina George, able to out-scheme everybody and still have fabulous blonde hair.

When the bell rang, ending their lunch period and beginning the next, Feliks was reminded of his ultimate goal as he passed by Toris in the hallway. Feliks gave him a flirtatious wink and Toris blushed adorably. The knowledge that soon that cute blush would be reserved solely for him and Ivan would continue to be forever alone and probably gaining a hundred pounds was enough to keep him awake and somewhat alert through the rest of his classes.

Well, isn't Feliks just the sneakinest thing? Ivan's really screwed the pooch... or has he?

One more thing. Normally, I would never do this but I'm starting to get desperate and I ain't too proud to beg.

Guys, if you are reading this story please, please send me a review. It doesn't have to be long or analytical but please tell me what you think. I'm starting to regret posting this and if no one gives a damn, I'd rather just take it down and free myself to work on other things. If you think it sucks or it's boring, you can tell me and I honestly will not be offended. But please, just take a minute to let me know. That's all I ask.

Either way, thanks for reading this. I know I sound frustrated above but that's because I care about this ridiculous story and its readers.


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